Dear 20-year-old Kimmy

Dear 20-year-old Kimmy,

I want you to know that when you turn 40, you are happy. Life is going to look a lot different than you thought, so have a seat for a minute, but trust me when I say this all wound up a whole better than you could have planned.

The whole getting married thing happened. The wedding is pretty great, but beyond that, it was kinda a train wreck all along. It did have some bright spots. You never move to Spain, you fight a lot, you travel some, you buy a house you never should have and another one that was a dream come true, and you end up feeling alone a lot. At some point around 35, you decide to make yourself a priority which precipitates selling your big house and getting divorced. Hang with me, though. It all works out. 

You have a baby, and it is the wildest roller coaster ride you have ever been on. As you turn 40, he is a full-blown pre-teen, and the attitude is whoa as is the need for showers and deodorant. But he’s funny, wicked smart, and still loves to cuddle you. He’s got a chronic illness, though and that’s a lot. Raising him is pretty tough, but you and your partner (more on that shortly) muddle through it. He’s blond and super handsome. He’s got your eyes and smile. 

A lot of your friends have come and gone. And by a lot, I mean almost all of them. Don’t worry, your favorites stay close by (you know who you are). Some friends drift away lovingly as lives move in other directions, and others end in ways that hurt more than your divorce. It’s worth it. You collect new ones as you go, thankful for the loving souls who walk alongside you in each new chapter. 

You don’t go to church anymore. It’s a little hard to explain why but you need to trust me when I say it will all make sense. You reach a point where the God you can understand doesn’t match what you have been taught in Sunday school. And that’s ok. You still believe in something beyond you, but you also believe in math, science, and evolution. It’s a wild ride and one of my favorites that you will go on. You come out of this deconstruction firmly on the side of love and inclusivity. 

Speaking of love and inclusivity, it’s high time you know you are gay. Like not a little bit. There is a point in your early 30s where you realize that if anything happens to your then-husband you would never marry a man again and would live with another woman, raising your kids together. At that time, you thought it would be platonic, but it turns out that was just some solid foreshadowing. I know you are thinking “really?!?” but I want you take a good hard think about how much you like doing *those things* and you are going to see how we wound up here.

As you turn 40, you are a mere month away from celebrating five years partnered with a woman who is the love of your life. You get to discover what true love and partnership feel like. You ask her to marry you, and she says yes. It’s the stuff of fairy tales. 

You become a writer. It is your primary income source right now, and you are really good at it. You finally had your first magazine publication in 2021, including some rad pictures you took of your partner. 2022 will see at least one more magazine article published, and this one is a pretty big deal. You also sometimes write about what’s going on inside your heart and soul and put it out there for the world to read. Kinda like this letter. 

Oh, and those pictures you took? They are kiteboarding photos. Sure, you have no idea what this sport is right now, but when you turn 40 it will be one of your biggest joys. In fact, you spend two years moving around the world chasing the wind just to kite as much as you can. At 40, you are settled into life on Maui (yes, MAUI), where it is windy most of the year. You drive an ancient Jeep that brings you so much joy and pay way too much for groceries just to live here, but every time the topic of moving comes up you find a way to stay.

You are pretty far away from family, physically and otherwise,  when you turn 40 and that’s ok. They love you very much still and that’s the most important part. It’s just hard when you have been gone from Oregon for so long. Also, it’s just kinda hard and weird when you all believe different things. Tiffany gets cancer, but so far her treatments have all worked out ok, which is great because the sweetness you two share always comes back around. That does mean, though, that you are high risk for getting cancer too. Mammograms, ultrasounds, and MRIs are a regular part of your life now. 

Unfortunately, you fall into some really bad eating patterns and body image problems. You give up eating delicious foods that you deeply love and successfully watch the scale tick down till you are medically underweight. Eventually, you get a generalized anxiety diagnosis to go along with the eating issues. Thankfully, you start therapy, and it helps a lot. At 40, you are still going to weekly therapy. It’s good for you, and your therapist is pretty rad. Also, as you celebrate four decades on this earth, you do it in a body that weighs more than it ever has, but it can hike, surf (sorta), and kiteboard. It’s kinda hard for you to reconcile all that, but at least you are eating pizza, chocolate, and sourdough bread. 

I want you to know I wouldn’t change a single step of our journey because where you land at 40 is well worth all the heartache, joy, pain, loss, and happiness you had along the way. I do wish you could learn to be more gentle with yourself and a little less judgemental of others sooner, but you start to come around eventually. Either way, happy 20th birthday 20-year-old Kimmy. Hang on tight. It’s a wild ride, 

Much love, 

40-year-old you